One of the most frequently stated requirements for a date or relationship is chemistry. Potential dates are routinely and quickly rejected because of the apparent lack of chemistry. Dating profiles are filled with the need for the right chemistry.
Chemistry, however, is grossly misleading. The right chemistry is a myth. There is no "right" chemistry. There is only a habitual or conditioned chemistry that has been chosen by us or for us over our lifetimes.
What is chemistry in relationships?
Chemistry is a word or concept we use to describe a complex set of habits, conditioned sexual desires and fantasies, personality dynamics, and social-cultural conditioning by parents, friends, media, and marketing. Outside of some basic genetic dispositions, such as gender preference and some personality traits, most of the chemistry that attracts us to someone is learned.
The chemistry you allow to govern your dating decisions is learned or conditioned. What is learned, however, can be unlearned or reconditioned.
First let’s look at the physical or sexual component of chemistry, which many daters believe is the most powerful and decisive.
Sexual attraction is not set in stone—unmalleable, unchangeable, or fated. Given the right conditioning, you can, in general, fall in love with anyone (except, for example, when it comes to changing your sexual orientation) and anything. This is why people can fall in love with people they at first detest or find unattractive or neutral. This is why many things can be conditioned to arouse you sexually, like lingerie and shoes or cars.
Kissing is, for example, inherently arousing with whomever you do it with and in any manner the kissing may occur, if you allow yourself to disinhibit and practice the kissing enough times. When couples are disinterested in their sexual relationship or have lost passion, the clinical methods of sensate focusing—the practicing of kissing, touching, caressing, etc., will almost always rekindle lost passion and sexual desire and so chemistry.
You can learn to love someone you find repulsive
People who are initially friends or have known each other a long time and were never sexually interested in the other, if they disinhibit and choose to practice being physical, can over time become passionate with each other and sexually attach or bond, though it may be awkward in the beginning. A union resulted from liking each other enough, being lonely enough, being open to the possibility of a relationship, and, most importantly, practicing being physical, can happen between any two people, though they may have actually been physically repulsed by the other.
Sex is inherently pleasurable (unless there are physical problems or pain, but even these can be overcome). For example, people who have no interest in sexual sadomasochism or sex clubs, if they expose themselves enough to those environments and practice actions that combine pleasure and pain or anonymity, can in time be sexually conditioned to desire sadomasochistic interactions or the anonymous sex in a sex club. It’s all a question of choice and practice. Two people alone on an island for years, given the correct sexual orientation, will overtime become lovers.
The need for physical touch is overwhelming
Chemistry is nothing more than what you have practiced and have been taught. You can accept the chemistry you were, in a sense, brainwashed with, based on your early childhood experiences, past partnerships, personality dynamics, etc., or you can choose to overcome the limitations of your chemistry.
As a clinician, I see that many people’s chemistry does not work for them. They keep being attracted to the wrong partners or dates because of their past sexual, personality, and relationship history. In many cases, they so strongly identify with their chemistry that they cannot let go of it, and so are condemned to repeat the same dysfunctional and maladaptive relationships over and over again. This is sad. But this is what happens too frequently.
On the other hand, sexual conditioning to a partner is what makes separation or ending a relationship often difficult. This why a relationship is more likely to end when there is less and less affection and sexual pleasure and practice. It’s easier to break free of a relationship that is definitely unsatisfying in nonsexual ways, if affection and sexuality overtime have been significantly diminished. The opposite is also somewhat true: a relationship that has an ample enough affection and sex may help keep the couple together.
Is your chemistry on autopilot?
Will you be a slave to your chemistry? Most of this chemistry was not really based on conscious choice but circumstances. Most people’s chemistry is on automatic pilot, rigidly controlling them so that they don’t see opportunities, that is potential dates or relationships, that could really work for them. If only they would let go of their identification with their chemistry, disinhibit and practice physicality with a person who might be exactly what they are looking for in every other way. This is not easy, because it means choosing differently in dates and mates and letting go of sometimes strong physical inclinations or proclivities. But why not? Doing more of the same hasn’t worked. Failure in dating and relationships is repeated because nothing has essentially changed to generate a different outcome.
However, changing chemistry is not only about choosing to practice being physical with someone you aren’t very attracted to. In addition, there are often personality issues, such as being attracted to people who can’t meet your needs, that are part of the chemistry thing. These personality issues, that are often based in early personal history, can be quite complex and difficult to overcome, so that better dates and partners can be chosen.
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